How to recognize pick-me guys and girls. A constant need for attention and validation vs. asking detailed questions about your hobbies, goals, dreams.
The online dating scene is rife with “pick-me” people doing all they can to get attention. A pick-me boy is the type of guy who gaslights and manipulates girls by making fun of himself, hoping the girl will contradict him. He might say he’s really stupid or ugly and wait for the girl to disagree. If she tries to insist he isn’t, which is usually out of nothing more than trying to be nice, he’ll ask her out or otherwise confess his attraction. She will then proceed to turn him down, and he’ll get angry and say that all girls are the same and that nice guys always finish last.
Is it true? How many self-proclaimed nice guys are actually nice? It’s always best to leave interactions with pick-me boys. Everything is always the girl’s fault. Gaslighting is surprisingly widespread, including in relationships. Almost 61% of respondents in a UK survey said they had experienced it in a relationship, and 48% of women in a US survey.
It’s not to be ignored, either. Another survey revealed that almost three-quarters of victims of domestic violence also suffered gaslighting by their partner.
A creative take on attention-seeking
Pick-me boys can get quite creative. A guy created a sponsored Instagram ad with a Google form to get more traffic to his dating profile. He provided information about himself on the form, which he thought was helpful and relevant, such as “My mom says I’m quite a catch.”
The female counterpart
There’s the female counterpart, a pick me girl, who seeks attention and validation by suggesting she is “not like other girls.” She claims to be calm and carefree, letting guys walk all over her. She says she doesn’t have female friends because she doesn’t want drama, etc.
Online dating can be hard for people of all genders. For some men, a pick-me woman is better than no woman at all. A male dating app user complained that it was hard to find any girl, good or bad, going so far as to say that he felt “invisible” to women. He added that he got a lot more attention from gay and bisexual men, which was saying a lot, considering how much smaller a portion of the population they make up.
He’s right: according to surveys in Western cultures, approximately 93% of men identify as fully heterosexual. 4% identify as mostly heterosexual, and 2% as entirely homosexual. 0.5% of men are bisexual, and that same portion is mostly homosexual.
When is it attention-seeking?
A constant need for validation is one of the clearest signs that the person is more interested in getting attention than in you. They may perpetually seek affirmation of their value, compliments, or reassurance about their appearance. This behavior shows they are less concerned with establishing a genuine connection than obtaining attention.
They seem anxious when you give them less time or attention than usual. They keep their guard up and are emotionally unavailable.
When is it genuine interest?
They want details about your goals, dreams, and interests. They don’t try to change the subject back to their own interests. They don’t give unwanted advice about reaching your goals, don’t interrupt you to talk about themselves, and they definitely don’t make fun of your interests. When you share what they are, they don’t criticize you. Another male dating app user complained:
Many decent guys have hobbies they care deeply about, and quite a few women will want a guy to give up most of those. Talking about our hobbies is hard because many women consider them childish. I have shared my interests with women only to be ghosted.
Recap
Watch for these red flags in online messages:
- They say they don’t want you to chat to other users, especially attractive ones
- They pretend to be helpless about something, so you’ll help or do it for them
- They lie or embellish stories to sound more interesting, sympathetic, etc.
- They take long to reply to your messages unless you ask about something that affects them, in which case the reply comes at the speed of light.
